#037 - Lillian Ragudo [Class of 2016]

 My name is Lillian Ragudo, I attended the Oaks K-12th, and graduated in 2016. This is a short record of my experience. I don’t think it is particularly more or less tragic or difficult than anyone else’s experience. I would have had struggles whether I went to another private school, was homeschooled, or went to public school. What you take away from my story is up to you at this point.

“The nail that sticks out gets hammered down.”

“出る釘は打たれる”

-a Japanese saying

My main difficulty at the Oaks was that this saying was really taken to heart. Whether this was intentional or not this is the environment I experienced. The Oaks taught me how to think logically, argue well, and to ask questions. I was taught to be bold in my faith and that Christians are meant to stand out in their beliefs. Yet in high school and junior high, where I was to practice these skills I was learning, I learned conformity instead. I learned that in the long run it was best to just believe what everyone else believed. To stand out was to be hammered down even by the safe bubble that the Oaks provided. If you wanted to use those logic and reasoning skills to debate or understand “the why”, then it was time for the Oaks faculty to force you into the mold of the ideal student, who agreed with them.

I learned in elementary school that if I outwardly looked like a good student then people would ignore or overlook my sins. My friends and classmates might get harassed for small uniform violations but I would not. Other students would be constantly watched for wrongdoing, but I would not. It wasn’t like teachers didn’t notice my behavior, it was more that the way I presented myself meant that somehow it was okay or just a silly mistake. Other students could do the same misbehaviors as me, but would end up with their name on the boards, office visits, and phone calls home. So I learned to act the part of a “good” student. This conformity affected my faith as well. I believed that I was saved through grace by faith, but lived my life as if it was my works that saved me. Throughout high school and after graduation I slowly became disconnected by what I truly believed and what was just memorized knowledge. I felt like an imposter. On the outside, I was that model Oaks student and a “good” Christian kid, but inside I was unsure of my beliefs just like anyone else my age. There were things that I saw and heard both at school and at church that I felt was wrong, but pretended I believed they were okay and right.

 I feared people and what they thought of me and only shared small pieces of myself. I thought that if people learned certain facts about me then I would be hated. I pretended that I was okay.  I lied to myself so well and so thoroughly that I really believed that I was the person, who I pretended to be. I also disregarded my own mental health. If you told me in high school that I clearly struggled with mental illness I probably would not have believed you. The truth is I have struggled with depression on and off since probably late elementary school. I also have social anxiety. I had suicidal thoughts all throughout my junior and senior years. I was also suicidal during my freshman year of college. Through therapy, journaling, and friends I have learned how to properly take care of my mental health. Now the Oaks was never the sole reason for my mental health issues, but the mindset and mentalities that I learned negatively affected me. I learned to conform to the community I was in and it has taken me a long time to really sort out what are my beliefs, thoughts, and opinions and what are the beliefs, thoughts, and opinions that were forced upon me. I don’t think there is anything wrong in teaching your beliefs to your children and sending them to a school that will align with your beliefs. I do think it is wrong for anyone to feel like they will be ostracized by their family, friends, and community for having differing beliefs. For everyone who I am sure is wondering at this point, I am a Christian.

Now to why I finished my high school education at the Oaks. If you have some inkling of who I am it's probably some thought of, “You were part of that nerd group, right?” Well you are correct. It all started with my dear friend Ashley. She pulled together several misfits from different classes to become friends. She gave me my first real close group of friends at the Oaks. Before her, I was friends with various people all of whom are wonderful, but this was for me the first time I clicked with a group of people. I didn’t feel odd or slightly out of place with them.  Ashley made a lasting impact on me forever about the difference one person can make. She created a space for misfits and I did my best to continue it.

After Ashley left the Oaks and some of my other friends graduated I became depressed. However, I found myself surrounded by new and old friends, other outsiders. I am happy that during my time at the Oaks there was a place for those of us, who didn’t quite fit. I think my life has certainly been enriched by my openness to being friends with anyone. I was by no means a perfect friend and have many failings. My friends and I struggled at the Oaks in our different ways. Our friendship was a place to find solidarity and to relax from the pressures. It was a conscious space that we had to make for ourselves. They are life long friends and the reason I could not imagine finishing my high school education anywhere else.

Another important group of people I would be remiss to mention were my classmates. While I was not as close to them as my nerd group, I am thankful that we all got along so well. I have many wonderful memories with them and continue to meet up with them every December.

The last thing I wish to say about my experience is that I truly loved my teachers imperfect though they were. Despite my difficulties, I did enjoy attending the Oaks. I am thankful for the love of teaching and the love for their students that I saw in all of my teachers. I appreciate my time at the Oaks and I wouldn’t be who I am today without it.  I do not want anyone to come away from my letter and believe that there was only bad or only good. Just like everything else in life there was both on a sliding scale.

My real critique for the Oaks is this: Learn from the feedback that you receive and grow from it. Critique is to help you grow and become a better school. I think in the past the Oaks has received feedback poorly and been stubborn to healthy growth in many areas.

Last but not least a confession. A detail that by itself I believed would cause people to hate me. Or at the very least cause people to think of me negatively. A statement I believed by itself would give people reason to disregard what I have said or will say. This detail is something I can’t control like my eye color, yet all of these horrible beliefs are attached to it. I am pansexual. I no longer live in fear of others. But tell me, was my fear misplaced?

Thanks for reading to the end,

Lillian Ragudo

She/ They

Feel free to talk to me about whatever, doesn’t have to be related to this letter.

IG: @lillianrose.design

Lillian.ragudo@gmail.com