#030 Danielle Estelle Ramsay [Class of 2010]

 I left the Oaks before my sophomore year of high school for public school, but not for the usual reasons. I didn’t go for a change in education, to expand my social circle, or -- as many at the Oaks alarmingly asked when I said I was leaving -- because I was no longer a Christian. Quite the opposite, in fact. 

When I was thirteen years old, I discerned a clear call to the ministry of Word and Sacrament as a Christian pastor. I couldn’t have put those exact words to it at the time - but I attribute my early sense of call to my extensive exposure to Scripture, theology, and theological reflection at the Oaks. It was exciting to find my path so early, so clearly, and so confidently. Little did I know, as I sat excitedly in my Bible classes thinking about how I would want to do this for the rest of my life, the struggle that was brewing due to that call. 

Certainly if you’re an Oaks student yourself or have spent some time reading these letters, you’re already familiar with the challenges faced by young girls and women at the school. The model is sweepingly patriarchal, grounded in archaic, outdated, draconian gender roles, all conveniently justified by a literalist, non-historical, non-contextual reading of a few Scripture passages, most notably among them 1 Timothy 2:12. When I was in junior high, I enrolled in Greek as my elective, in which I was the only girl, so I could read the words of the Bible for myself. I also took the Biblical Worldview elective with the current headmaster. Again, I was the only girl enrolled in the class. As you might expect, I gained very little clarity on my sense of call from either of those classes. So I kept digging. And the more I dug, the more toxic resistance I ran up against. 

What strikes me as so toxic is the fact that all of this is supposed to be a part of “secondary doctrine” at the Oaks. That was the justification given for our differences of opinion. As long as we agreed on basic doctrine: the Trinity, the Resurrection, etc. then it was okay if we disagreed. But it became clear to me quickly as I vocalized my sense of call that it was most certainly not okay if we disagreed. I was allowed to enroll in Bible electives, but I was never encouraged to do so. My mother, who is a doctor just like my father, was repeatedly and intentionally called “Mrs. Estelle” while my father was called “Dr. Estelle” in front of me. I consulted teachers who I thought I could trust and respect about my sense of call, and the resounding answer was very clear: women are not to speak in church. They are to be silent and submit to their husbands. My sense of call was wrong. My discernment was wrong. I was wrong. 

I tried to stay. The Oaks was the only home I’d ever known. I’d had a terrible experience in public school in first grade, and the Oaks had grounded me, accepted me, and given me a place where I felt I could belong. But because of my sense of call to ministry, I was no longer welcome. I was no longer accepted. I no longer belonged. It was heartbreaking to be rejected in such a way. So I did what I had to do, and I left. I left and learned that the outside world wasn’t as scary, anti-intellectual, or antagonistic to my faith as I’d been led to believe for so long. I found new places I could belong. I started to heal from the rejection that stung so much. 

But still the Oaks weighed on me. When the time came and I started to get an inkling that I might be LGBTQIA+, I pushed it down as far as I could and buried it for just about as long as I could stand it. My parents were never openly rejecting of queer people. My church may have been partially to blame, but I know deep down the fear and self-rejection I had came from the Oaks. No doubt about it. 

Today, I’m employed as the head pastor of a United Methodist church on track for full ordination to the ministry of Word and Sacrament, just as I thought I would be when I was thirteen. I received my Master of Divinity from Pittsburgh Theological Seminary in 2016. I have a successful, thriving marriage in which I do not submit to my husband. I’m out and proud about my place in the LGBTQIA+ community. I speak in church. Every single week. Because that’s the gift God gave to me: a voice, to use and be heard and speak God’s truth in love. The Oaks never gave me that gift. I had to dig it out of myself after having it pushed down for so long, and remember that it is indeed God’s truth for me. 

I hope you can live your truth as God has freed me to live mine. My metaphorical door is always open: danielle.m.estelle@gmail.com. Let’s talk, if you want. 

Danielle Estelle Ramsay