#029 Gina Peterson - parent letter

One of my favorite annual events during our 15 years at The Oaks was the Senior Assembly. The speeches were sometimes serious, sometimes funny, but each senior had that brief moment to share his/her heart. Two that still stand out in my mind are David Parmely’s and Augustin Cheeley’s. If you were there, you know. And if you weren’t, you missed out. But now, with this blog/collection of letters, I see many students are now taking the virtual stage, bending toward the mic, and speaking the heart. But for real this time. And I’m humbled and proud and challenged and heartbroken and fiercely determined to listen intently to each voice as it projects onto this blog platform. Each voice, each view is valid, and we can now all hear and process and affirm and heal together. I implore you, Oaks faculty and staff, DO NOT MUTE THE MIC. Don’t discourage others from turning up the volume and giving it a listen. All of it. And as an old Southern Baptist preacher of mine used to say, “if the shoe fits, well you gotta figure out what to do with it.”

So our three boys did okay at The Oaks. Sure, there were attention grabbers, spankings, and even a couple of suspensions. But all in all, it was a pretty good fit for them, most of the time. I would even say that grammar school was close to perfect. I mean, all 3 Petersons had Julie Korver, Beccy Holland and Becky Wall, truly a trifecta of teacher—perfection. Other beloved and noteworthy teachers were Ruth Allard, Kim Mewes (Alex had also LuRae Schlect) and Josh Reidt. Amazing, right?!? I remain forever grateful for each of these that loved on my kids and shared with them their tremendous giftedness for imparting knowledge and love. I spent a fair bit of time at the school during those years doing stuff, and I observed that some kiddos were struggling. I watched some beloved ones transfer out for various reasons. But in general, I felt that our three sons did well. Perhaps there are letters forthcoming from MacArthur, Erik and Alex that will contradict that statement. That’s okay, and that means that we obviously have some great conversation coming soon around our holiday table.

I, too, loved those field trips-Oregon Coast, Mt. St. Helens, Grand Tour. Which brings me to another thing I’m so grateful for, and that is the friendships I still cherish and enjoy from our time there. Kids, you probably didn’t know this, but right after we dropped your scrawny butts off at school on the first day of each year, many of us would then gather at Starbucks to high-five each other over a latte in our yoga pants. And maybe we were naive about how all of y’all were doing. But to us, it felt like a sweet and safe bubble. Heck, we all knew it was a bubble, but we were determined to put sparkly lights on it and call it good and right. And yes, we were told, perhaps indirectly, that government schools were evil and only lesser parents would choose that. So every year, I purchased the khaki pants and polo shirts and all those paperback classics and gave it another go.

Okay, onto the Logic and Rhetoric phases - heck, let’s just say middle and high school, shall we? Our three didn’t struggle with loads of homework, I’m not sure why not. I think MacArthur at one time told me that he had the lowest homework times of any HS student. Not sure how he knew that, and it seems like a weird contest to be in, but oh well. But I do remember Robb having a headmaster meeting once, to communicate that he thought all that singing was bullshit, and that the students should also have the opportunity to put all that Latin toward a living language, and that we were a little concerned about STEM opportunities. Of course, his suggestions went nowhere. If I had complaints, I don’t remember taking them to the office really because I’d been conditioned to understand that those needed to come from the Father of the Family. Here’s one suggestion: don’t dismiss moms, please. In general, we have more time to take your phone calls when our child needs discipline. That doesn’t mean that we are trying to “wear the pants in the family,” or that we are uppity women (well, some of us might be...). We are just simply more available.

Another suggestion...don’t freak the heck out when kids crush on each other. Seriously. I’m thinking of when one of my unnamed sons and a classmate fell in love and began planning a life together at the tender age of 10. Well, we were yanked into a meeting and the kids given a stern warning to knock it off. I witnessed a bit of this harshness with other young lovers from other families. Not sure whether this is a fear-based tactic/method of control, or what. But most of the time, if we just relax about these things, it’s over in about 8 minutes. Or it isn’t, and they get to actually have a great life together (thinking of you Ben/Michelle, Matt/Syd, Natalya/Tim🥰). Just RELAX about it... And relax about the uniforms a bit. You won’t lose all control if there’s a errant sock violation.

I should have listened more, I should have been more thoughtful about my observations. I remember in the 5th grade, Alex was ruffling feathers somewhat (not unusual), and Mr. Williams made him write an essay “Why Mr. Williams should allow me to remain at The Oaks.” That exercise may or may have not been given after Alex told the elder Mr. Dowers that his “dad’s spankings were harder.” In hindsight, I’m pretty sure that Bruce felt Alex maybe wasn’t going to be a great fit, going forward. But dang it all, I’m lazy, and I sure as heck didn’t want to have to figure out how to drive to multiple schools. So we pressed on, the older two graduated and went off to university. And another thing. Lynn Gibson. I don’t know what the heck you are paying her, but it isn’t enough. Incredible resource, thank you Lynn. Anyway, during the summer between Alex’s Freshman and Sophomore year, half of his class transferred out to other schools, and he begged us to allow him to go elsewhere as well. We finally listened, while quieting the “only bad parents would do government school” voices in our heads. I mourned the loss of community I had spent 15 years building. But we left. And Alexander thrived, as we learned that life was was going to be okay outside of the sparkly bubble. He had access to excellent, new, rigorous AP classes (and credits, hallelujah!), new sports (hello football and tennis!) and new friends with whom he still enjoys great friendships.

We were not perfect parents, and there is no perfect school. But we are learning, and we care. We care about the future and integrity of The Oaks and our greater community. We want to see a community where children are cherished and nurtured as individuals. Now I’m not a professional educator, but I think part of what that means is understanding that we are all wired differently. As Gabe’s letter discussed different learning styles, why not explore the new challenges of accommodating those learning styles, and stop fearing that chaos would break out if, as an example, hyper kids and introverts are not made to think they are being sinful. Personally, I think that breaks God’s heart, and that needs to stop, if that is happening. We must realize that The Oaks is not a great fit for every child, and that’s okay. There are other options, including two schools that were borne out of The Oaks. Government schools are not Satan. I would implore you, Oaks staff and faculty, to glean much from this project, and where change needs to happen, make it happen. You’ve been here for 25 years and obviously do some things really well. Holy cow, look at the beautifully crafted letters, every single one of them are replete with proper grammar and impressive vocabulary! So, obviously, you are churning out gifted communicators, bravo.

The thing that breaks my heart the most about all of this is to realize how many of our precious children want absolutely nothing to do with God. I am in no way suggesting that this is solely due to their time at The Oaks, but it must be considered. I think I speak for every parent that we all wanted children that would grow up to desire God deeply. And yeah, the journey isn’t over, and we all have spiritual journeys with lots of ups and downs. But as I read these letters, my heart aches. Since we are a Classical and Christian community, I am reminded of the two divergent ways of Odysseus and Jason as they encountered the Sirens. So go pick up your dusty copy, blow it off and refresh yourself. Long stories short, the idea is that both obeyed, but Odysseus had to force himself to resist the Siren’s song, whereas Jason was transfixed by the beautiful sounds of Orpheus. Applied to faith, shouldn’t we desire to have hearts that are so captivated by the beauty of God, so much so that everything else that beckons and tempts us is just noise? I believe this, AND THIS ALONE, is the only thing that creates a vibrant and fulfilling and deeply satisfying spiritual life. Everything else is just tedious rules for the sake of rules and appearing godly.

I understand a letter was sent to all current families acknowledging the existence of this blog, but with a request to pray and be grateful (great!), as well as a warning to avoid reading said letters and avoid gossiping about them (not great!). No. No. Nope. Oaks, please don’t do that. The only thing that sort of response accomplishes is that all current parents immediately do a web search to try to find this verboten blog. And it seems condescending and defensive, to boot. Instead, perhaps acknowledge the blog, and engage dialogue about it. How about instead say, “Oaks peeps, we know many of you are hearing about these letters and may have concerns and questions. So do we. We are talking about it, and we’d love to talk with you about it, especially if the things you’re reading make you concerned about your Oaks kiddo. Come talk to me and let’s make sure you are comfortable with our methodology and pedagogy. And at the end of that conversation, if you aren’t, well then, let’s work together to find a good solution that will honor and nurture your child, and support your family’s educational choices.” Now, THAT is a response that is loving, real and respectful. 

In closing, I am keenly interested in hearing each and every voice speak words - the good/bad/ugly. May this stage continue to be a protected, safe place to climb upon, and may each voice speak clearly and courageously into the mic, knowing that you have our rapt and undivided attention and admiration.

I welcome further discussion, feel free to contact me at 509-991-0659, or ginavpeterson@gmail.com

Fondly,

Gina Peterson

Proud boy mom of MacArthur (Oaks ‘13), Erik (Oaks ‘14), and Alex (Lewis & Clark ‘17)