#025 Chris Cheeley - parent letter

 As the father of 7 kids who attended (4 of whom graduated from) The Oaks, and having invested (15?) years and significant sums there, perhaps my perspective is worth sharing. 

However, I want to begin by thanking the Anonymous author of post #17.  Frankly, your story and your transparency impacted me deeply.  At first, when I saw how long your post was, I hesitated.  But, I was quickly drawn in and engaged by your story, particularly what you discovered about grace.  Thank you for sharing a glimpse into your life.  I hope it will impact other hearts as it did mine. 

While I have many regrets regarding our time at The Oaks, I also have many good memories.  There were some truly excellent teachers who loved the students (even the challenging ones, which was how some of my kids were often described!).  They enjoyed and excelled in their subject matter, loved God and His Word, and sincerely wanted to make a difference in the lives of their students.  I’m grateful for how they shared with my kids what God entrusted to them.  I pray that He blesses them for demonstrating God's love. 

I also remember several great school trips and fun events.  And, some hilarious school plays and intense volleyball games and soccer matches gave us opportunities to see the kids in different settings and to connect with some great parents.  My wife and I, and most of our kids, formed enduring friendships which have enriched our lives, a recurring theme in many of these posts.  

Unfortunately, we also endured some teachers and administrators who did not, from my vantage point, demonstrate those same qualities.  “Rules without relationship results in rebellion” was something I learned too late in life, and I think the Oaks culture too often valued rules over relationships.  I regret that I placed my kids in a rigid and sometimes damaging environment where priorities were at times not aligned with my own and God’s love was difficult to see in action…where my kids heard words which sounded to them like a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  And, I truly regret that I did not fully comprehend the extent of the damage until it was too late.

As at least one of my kids pointed out on this site, our family did not fit the mold of The Oaks, so there were many times when I was on the phone with (or across the desk from) a teacher or administrator in a difficult conversation.  While the immediate matter at hand was addressed, unfortunately, I don't think those conversations had any lasting impact.  

As I read these posts, I ask the question: what is the goal?  Certainly it’s not simply to speak ill of the school.  For some, I hope it’s therapeutic to share their story (and FAR less expensive than hours of counseling!).  I appreciated what my son Gabriel pointed out – that this kind of history could be of value to the Board, Administration and teachers, if they desire to learn from past mistakes rather than repeat them.  (OK…Gabe said it differently.)  Perhaps some in leadership will be brave enough to reach out to some of the writers to hear their stories, and will encourage transparency, even though some of the memories are tough to work through.  Ignoring the experiences of those who are sharing from their hearts would be truly unfortunate.

It requires courage for these former students to relive times which were so dark and, in some cases, traumatic.  Hopefully their boldness, even if some of their words are difficult to read, will encourage honest conversations and shed light on things which have been hidden.  Hopefully some students are encouraged as they realize that they were not alone.  Hopefully current and future parents become more aware and better equipped to listen to their kids and to help create a healthy environment.  Hopefully they won’t be unaware of the culture that is impacting their kids.  "Trust, but verify."   Had I known 20 years ago what I know now, I would have chosen a different path. 

Reading through some of the posts (including those of my own kids) is truly heartbreaking, particularly as I realize that I am an unindicted co-conspirator.  I’ll ask my kids to forgive me for the role I played in the pain they endured.  

Thanks, Natasha, for beginning the conversation.

Chris Cheeley

P.S.  Please don’t judge my writing too harshly.  I was the victim – er…product -- of a government school education, followed by a degree in music, neither of which required a rhetoric class!  😉