#024 Haley Strandness [Class of 2012]

 Hello everyone!

Reading these letters has been cathartic for me. I graduated in June 2020 with my Masters in Elementary Education and have been struggling to find a job during this pandemic. I am currently unemployed and about to embark on a serious move so reading these letters has become a bright spot in my day. To know that I was not alone in my Oaks experience has been so healing for me. I have so many thoughts about this school that it is difficult for me to highlight what exactly I want to communicate so bear with me. I initially did not want to write a letter because I was nervous to speak my truth. However, after reading these letters, I know I have to say something and speak my truth. I have been impressed by the grace of all these alumni who have seen so much pain but are able to strongly advocate for themselves. Advocating for myself has always been difficult for me and is particularly difficult for me in my current season of life but this letter is my first step. So here we go.

 I attended the Oaks from 3rd grade until graduation day. I was a shy, anxious student. I never took my fleece jacket off in probably the whole 10 years of my Oaks career. By my senior year, I had large holes in the sleeves of my fleece from never taking my hands out. I was an incredibly hard worker. I spent hours and hours on homework and my hard work did pay off. I was fairly disconnected from my classmates, mostly due to my crippling insecurities (save for Olivia Dupree Author #4, more about her special soul later). A few teachers took a special interest in me. They saw my fear and anxiety and wanted to fix me. I was sent to the office on multiple occasions for (I kid you not) visible anxiety, hands in my sleeves or talking too quietly when called on. I failed so many oral tests, even the teacher told me that if the test had been written, I would have aced it. School was not a safe place for me. I bawled every year before the first day of school and begged my parents to take me out before every school year. This remains a sensitive subject for my mom because she feels guilty that she didn’t listen to me. But she didn’t know. Both my parents did the absolute best they could with my education and I will be forever grateful for all they did for me. My dad would stay up for hours at night reading and editing my papers. My mom would stay up with me to keep me company and make me snacks. They are the best parents I could ever ask for and they experienced just as much trauma as I did from the Oaks. And I will never blame them for not taking me out of the Oaks. Now that you know a little bit about me, I will go through a couple of examples of the trauma I experienced.

It is 9th grade English class. I am sitting at my desk, my hands tucked deep into my fleece jacket sleeves. The teacher began to pass back tests. I was filled with anxiety and fear. Looking back, this situation feels so silly to me. Had this situation happened in my current classroom, I would simply give the student a hug, a smile or an encouraging word and the student’s fear might have subsided. Or I would make a classroom announcement about hard work and resilience being most important. Or I would remind the students that this grade didn’t matter and their identity as good human beings was essential. Or I would lead my students in a mindfulness meditation to refocus their anxious energy. However, this didn’t happen. Instead, my visible anxiety was called out by the teacher and I was called over to his desk. I was then told that “if my anxiety and fear continued, in my later life, I would end up in a hospital or at the top of a cliff.” I can’t believe this was said to me. As a teacher, I wish I could go back in time and hug myself and set myself on a different path. A path of confidence and self love. I trusted this teacher and he failed me. Even years later, during my darkest moments, I heard his words in my head and I believed them. It took a counselor to tell me that he was completely out of line. My counselor advocated for me and for the first time I didn’t feel so crazy. Someone heard me and saw my pain.

 This same teacher would force me to stand in front of the class and read what I had written over and over again until I said the words without fear. I failed his oral tests consistently because I was terrified of him and terrified of myself. I truly believed that there was something inherently wrong with me. I have to daily remind myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I have value and I deserve to be treated with grace and love. Because of these past experiences, I am now a strong believer in teaching students how to advocate for themselves. I just graduated with my Masters in Elementary Education and one of my educational philosophies is teaching students to stand up for themselves with grace and strength. The power dynamic between teachers and students at the Oaks was dangerous and I hope to create a classroom community that celebrates every student and gives each student a voice. I wish I had a voice at the time to tell this teacher that he was not treating me the way I wanted to be treated.

 One more fun example before I attempt to sum up my learnings. My senior year, I did my thesis on Protestant and Catholic dialogue regarding Mary. I was advocating for reconciliation between the two groups as I genuinely believed that they had lots to teach each other. Thinking back, this is not a controversial topic. I was merely advocating for a conversation between groups of people who both loved Jesus!! Yet, my rhetoric teacher gave me a pamphlet that was all about Catholics converting to Protestantism. Yuck. Enough said. I do not want to give this teacher anymore time in this letter.

  Here are 5 things I have learned from the many years of extensive therapy.

 1. You are good. Human beings are good. I spent my 10 years at the Oaks believing that people were bad. We were all dead in our sins and there was nothing I could do to reach God. He had to pick me. This is NOT a belief I choose to subscribe to at all anymore. God created ALL things and ALL people good. I am good at my core and you are good at your core. If you haven’t (which you probably haven’t because the Oaks has the worst reading list of all time) read John Steinbeck’s East of Eden. This book changed my life. I tell people now that if they want to know what I believe about the world, read East of Eden. I love this quote and I think it is well suited to an Oaks experience. “And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

2. My body is MINE. And my body is beautiful. It may seem harmless to tell girls to cover up to protect boys from stumbling or to dress modestly to preserve their beauty. Yet, this is incredibly damaging. This message translated into my life as my body was not my own. It did not exist for my enjoyment but it only mattered what men thought of my body. This perverted perspective landed me in many a toxic relationship. I gave myself away easily because I believed that my body wasn’t truly mine and could be treated however anyone wanted. I even treated my body terribly through disordered eating and cutting because my body didn’t matter. Hey, your body is ONLY yours! Your body matters to you and exists for you and you get to decide how you use it. Enough of this crap that we need to glorify God with our bodies. He made your body for it to be yours. That is a big responsibility. Love your body.

3. God is kind. This was a shocking realization for me. What, God is a nice guy? No way. He only wants me to suffer. FALSE. He wants you to be happy (I know that the word HAPPY is so negative in the Oaks community but I believe God wants you to lead a happy life). He wants you to experience joy and live a FUN life. My brother gave this helpful analogy to me and it has really stuck with me. Imagine the kindest person you know. We all know someone who brightens our day and treats people with the utmost respect. Now, imagine that that kindest person is God but 100x more.

4. Lots of things don’t matter. This was also a shocking realization to me. I am living in my post graduate school life and grades have virtually never mattered. Even what I learned didn't really matter! What matters is relationships, connection and community. What matters is passions, goals, dreams. How to think critically matters. How to make independent decisions matters. How to love yourself matters. How to be mindful matters. Confidence matters. Focus on what truly matters.

5. Advocate for yourself with grace. I am currently getting over a toxic relationship and the lesson of self-advocacy has never been more important. I get to decide how I want people to treat me. Anyone who doesn’t treat you with the utmost respect and care does not deserve a place in your life.

 A brief paragraph of what I have gained from the Oaks. I am a hard worker. I am an eloquent speaker and a wonderful conversationalist. I enjoy learning and I pride myself on my ability to think critically. I know exactly how I want to teach and lead my future classroom. With grace, love and kindness. I mean, we all gotta give the Oaks some props. All of these letters are so well written and organized. Leave it to the Oaks alumni to come together and use their education in such a positive way.

 Lastly, I cannot write a letter about the Oaks without talking about Oliva Dupree (Author #4). We have been best friends since 5th grade and I know that I would not be able to walk through this life without her. The Oaks was all worth it to have her in my life. She endured so much pain and hardship from the Oaks and it was heartbreaking to watch it all unfold. She deserves all the good that life has to offer. I love you, Olivia, and am so thankful for you. Also, shoutout to her sister, Sam Dupree (Author #10). We lived together for a year and she has become my best friend. She is one of the strongest people I know and I look up to her greatly. I love you, Sam, and I am so thankful for you.

 Shoutout to my family for always being there for me. Jordan, Kjersti, Kim and Erik are some of the best people you will ever meet.

If you ever need anyone to talk to, I open my inbox to you. The alumni are here for you. Covid-19 has shown me how important it is to remind yourself that you are never alone and there are people who love you and will advocate for you unconditionally.

 

With all my love,

Haley Strandness

hstrandness@westmont.edu