#018 Rebecca Church [Class of 2009]

 My dear readers:

I found when writing this that there is a lot to say. I didn’t want to end up with an autobiography of epic proportions, but I was encouraged by my two proofers to offer up more of my personal perspective, so I’ve split this into two sections. The first is directed toward prospective attendees and presents what I hope is a fairly objective representation of what The Oaks offers. The second portion is my own story. Feel free to skip on down to that if you're not interested in the list of pros and cons.

 PART I

To prospective attendees:

There is no doubt in my mind that The Oaks’ faculty and staff have good intentions. But, like many of life's experiences, The Oaks provides the good with the bad intermixed. So, like a good election pamphlet, let me present both sides, and you may cast your own vote.

 Statement: You should go/send your child(ren) to The Oaks.

 Argument For:

The Oaks is better than other schools because it proves an education that is rooted firmly in Christan values.

Students are taught in depth about Christianity and teachers strive to provide an example of leading a Christan life. Students learn Scripture, sing Psalms and hymns, and are essentially given advanced theology courses which have included Bible context, apologetics, OT and NT deep dives, and hermeneutics. The freedom to worship the Lord and connect in prayer is vibrant here, whereas public schools have largely prohibited express Christian teachings and undermine faith-based values.

 The Oaks is better than other schools because it focuses on tradition.

Students are taught in traditional methods, using age-old, proven teaching tools such as the Socratic method (discourse). Students are instructed in the fundamentals of logic, rhetoric, language (via Latin, the mother of the romance languages and the sister of English), philosophy, mathematics, and music (including mandatory chorale). Students are taught respect for authority, enforced by hand-raising, standing to speak, smaller class sizes, parental participation (including the dreaded attention-grabber and names-on-the-board), and, lastly, by corporal punishment. 

 The Oaks is better than other schools because it protects students' innocence.

The campus and programs are vigorously drug-free, alcohol-free, sex-free, and foul-language-free. PDA is prohibited on campus. Bullying (to my knowledge) is largely non-existent. Modesty* is regulated through uniforms and dress checks. Students are taught etiquette, and the infamous “School Dance” is here replaced with the classy Protocol where students are assigned to their partners, and ballroom dancing, which reduces the opportunity for inappropriate hijinks. The Oaks creates a close-knit, familial environment that preserves the innocent minds of children and facilitates the formation of life-long friendships.

 *A/N: Read: female modesty -- hilariously, no one discusses male modesty.

 Argument Against:

The Oaks is worse than other schools because it lacks diverse learning opportunities.

Other schools in the area provide more programs, which may include AP classes, specialized electives, more advanced science/technology/engineering courses, and stronger extracurriculars. Program diversity helps provide students with more choice and encourages them to find and pursue their interests. Public education, which is “free” (via taxpayer money), is better equipped with a variety of resources (computers, lab equipment, gym and sporting equipment, etc.). Meanwhile, The Oaks is an expense to parents beyond the public education they already pay for, and is severely lacking in modern resources and curricula.

 The Oaks is worse than other schools because it chooses tradition at the expense of student well-being, diversity, and modernity. High-pressure tactics such as attention grabbers, names on the board, and even spanking, create an environment of anxiety and shame for less-than-above-average students, which negatively impacts their learning and development. Students are taught only about western-focused history, which is too in depth on ancient civilizations, and skates past or ignores entirely the other two-thirds of the world. This prioritization of traditionalism over practical use is perfectly exemplified by the mandatory, eight-year-long Latin program. Graduating students are left with enormous holes in their education including world geography, modern languages, and technology.

 The Oaks is worse than other schools because it does not offer a balanced view of the world.

It teaches a kind of absolutism, which is firmly Young-Earth, right-wing, (mainly Calvinist) Christianity. Instead of a balanced presentation of both sides**, students are taught arguments against anything that opposes these views and are ostracized for holding views outside this narrow frame of reference. Programs lack diverse perspectives from people of different race, gender, orientation, and religion. Homosexuality is thoroughly castigated as immoral. Abstinence until marriage is presented as the only acceptable approach to sex. Students are kept in the dark about the functions of their own bodies and made to feel ashamed of their natural figures and human instincts. There is no focus on forming healthy relationships; instead, romantic relationships between students are largely banned. As adults, this restrictive developmental environment can create immense struggles with self-worth and cloak the beauty of sex in a shroud of shame. The values and faith which the school upholds are darkened by a sense of elitism and dogmatic intolerance.

 **A/N: If you ever find a school that offers a balanced presentation of both sides, let me know.

 

Closing Remarks:

As you can see, the practices of The Oaks fall into a spectrum from good to bad. The merit of attending certainly depends on where your values lie, and I ask: Does anyone really escape unscathed from secondary school? Are other schools in the area really offering anything better?

 

~Intermission~

 PART II

Personal Statement:

I was born to my parents late in life. My two elder siblings had left for college before I reached elementary school, making me a sort of only-child. I was homeschooled until third grade, when I joined the Oaks. My dad always saw great aptitude in me and had heard great things about The Oaks through our long-time family friends, the Belisles, who went to our church. I was a bright child who loved learning and pleasing people. I never got a B on anything, and understanding came naturally to me. I was blissfully unaware of other students struggling to achieve, and never suffered much anxiety of competing for grades. I was good at school, and the system rewarded me. I was never bullied. I made great friends in elementary and loved my teachers: Miss Kennedy (3rd), Mr. Peterson (4th), and Miss Mewes (5th). I warmly remember the Oregon Coast field trip - except for that one part where the s’mores were withheld from us eager younglings who just wanted to enjoy the beach. These are the bright, untainted days of my life, and I cherish them fondly.

 As for sixth grade and beyond, I’m curious if anyone has a GOOD experience in middle school. Puberty is an excruciating time for most, and much of this time I now remember only vaguely. Acne, braces, and unrequited crushes seem to be staples of the middle school experience. Beyond the normal, small disasters of middle school, a greater one emerged. We found out about my mom’s lung cancer in eighth grade. I poured myself even further into school. By high school, my mom’s condition began to deteriorate severely. She was on hospice care and could hardly move from the bed or use the bathroom properly. Relatives and family friends were in and out of our house constantly with food, prayer, care, and well-wishes. My dad, a mail carrier, worked tons of overtime at the post office to cover hospital bills and The Oaks tuition.

 My mom passed away ten days after my sixteenth birthday. I wasn’t sure how to cope with all this. My dad and I survived mainly on snacks and frozen Costco food. After school, sports, and piano lessons, I spent most of my free time playing Runescape. I would sneak down to the basement where we had the computer and play sometimes until 4am. Despite the rigors of The Oaks, I was naturally bright and didn’t have to work hard to succeed in school. I procrastinated a lot on assignments, pulling all-nighters at the last minute to complete schoolwork. My irregular sleep cycle resulted in me falling asleep constantly in class and taking naps everywhere. I survived through the kindness of my classmates, who covered for me when I would sneak out of Spanish class to take naps in the Glad Tidings sanctuary. I don’t know if the teachers were aware of me doing this, but I think the faculty sympathized with my situation and perhaps turned a blind eye to my more rebellious tendencies.

 Unsurprisingly, I was very depressed during this time of my life and frequently contemplated suicide. I also found myself becoming increasingly curious about sex. Having never received any education whatsoever in this regard, in high school I started reading erotica and doing covert internet searches for unfamiliar words like "masturbation". (Can you believe we did not know what this is? I recently found out from another alum that she also had to look this word up.) But the taboo of sex kept me from having a single honest conversation about this important part of life until adulthood and led me dangerously close to accidental pregnancy (as an adult). I panicked about pregnancy consistently, even as a kid, when I thought you could get pregnant by sleeping in a sleeping bag in the same area as a boy. There’s much more I could say on this subject, but I don’t feel like sharing it so publicly.

My dad has this glorified, mental version of our alma mater as some Holy Grail of education. My experience was much different. It's taken a couple years of therapy for me to grow beyond some of those dogmas augured into our minds under the guise of truth. For years, I berated myself constantly for being less than perfect, but I've come to recognize now that being imperfect is what makes us human. At The Oaks, they taught us about 'total depravity' and that our human instincts should be cast aside, that we might stay on the outlined path of righteousness. But guilt is not the answer, and it drives us deeper into remorse and despair if we let it. For many years, my own downcast spirit was kept small and miserable by these little lies that I'd learned to tell myself. I've since worked hard to liberate my soul by careful consideration of the truth.

 Things now are the best they've ever been for me. I don't think my current happiness would have been possible without the time I've spent in therapy and seeking out the support of good friends. I now live with my boyfriend, whom I've been dating for about six years. Things haven't always been good between us either, especially at the beginning. You may well know how they drilled us with rigid notions of love and sex and installed that border wall around all of our hearts. It wasn't right for them to do that. It was harmful. It's taken me long years to tear down those walls and let the shadows of my heart be examined, illuminated. I live my life with love now, and the joy of Christ which always seemed so elusive to me then is now keenly felt.

The shadows take some form within us all. There are some things we don't learn apart from time and hard work. One of these things I'm coming to learn is the value of ritual and being thorough. I think it takes a fully-developed mind to truly appreciate those things. My boyfriend is a very thorough, thoughtful person who has taught me much in that regard.

 Those teachers tried their best, I think. But they have their own shadows in places, especially the younger teachers. Can you imagine now the weight of responsibility to instruct teenage men and women to become godly, having little idea of how to do so yourself? The teenage life is one of constant rebellion, so their method was to beat down any instance of youthful impulses with the holy hammer of God's wrath and ever-effective disappointment. But they had no right to wield that against us, and there was no openness among them about the realities of life or what really living looks like. Last year, I attended a Seattle alumni gathering at which I received a book (notably given only to the ladies in attendance) entitled Why You Matter and What To Do About It. I skimmed through it with horrific flashbacks; it was poorly written with flagrant use of exclamation points, question marks, and italics, and touted such concepts as finding meaning in Jesus while putting down individual identity and neglecting to say what any of that actually means in application. It was "a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing." Composed by an Idaho mother, Christ Church member. Natasha and I burned the book.

 Being human means we abound in imperfection, but we also have so much potential for joy and growth. Both ends of this spectrum are to be embraced to experience the fullness of life. Sexuality is not evil. We all experience those impulses. I don't think it's wrong for consenting people to safely enjoy their bodies. But we must take care in the way we treat ourselves and others when we do. If this had been relayed to us with openness rather than presented as a forbidden fruit shrouded in shame, perhaps things would have been different.

 Closing Remarks:

I think we all have our own burdens to bear. But burdens should not be borne alone. As many others here have already recommended, therapy is an excellent aid for this daunting task. I certainly wish someone had recommended it to me when I lost my mom to cancer at age sixteen. It's been invaluable to me as an adult, while I continue on my journey. Taking medication for mental health reasons should not be condemned. In my own life, the combination of medication and therapy has helped me to see my emotions more clearly and be kinder to myself. (It’s important to note that therapy and medication are not a replacement for other healthy practices -- exercise, meditation, prayer, community service, nutrition, church. In my experience, they have, rather, enabled me to engage more fully in those other healthy practices.) Undoubtedly, The Oaks has had a significant impact on the person I am today. Much of it was good, while other parts of it I’ve had to sort through in therapy and put the bad behind me. In the end, I’m thankful for who I am, and I wouldn’t change how I got here, were I ever given the chance.

 I thank each of you for your openness and honesty, which I find increasingly rare. May we all continue striving to test everything, hold to what is good (1 Ths. 5:21), and speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15).

 

Live your best life.

 

Best wishes,

Rebecca C.

Class of ‘09