#009 - Jordan Fugitt [Class of 2011]

 To any other average kid,

 My hands would sweat, my heart would pound. I would get so restless that I would want to jump out of my skin. Simultaneously a sense of dread and failure as I would see the teacher begin walking around the classroom about to hand out graded tests. A  small stack of fluorescent blue stands out on the top of the stack. I would hope and pray as I saw fellow classmates get the first couple blue sheets. “Maybe this time will be different? Maybe today I will avoid the humiliation?” No such luck. The test with the last blue piece of paper would inevitably be mine. The teacher would stop in front of my desk and flip the paper over as if to somehow be subtle. I failed. As if the feeling of being a failure was not enough, the ideology of competition that The Oaks held in such high esteem would tear students apart. To have to hear other students complain that they received a B when they really felt they should have received an A was devastating to me. Not only did I feel that failure, but I felt so stupid and small. That little piece of paper and everything that came along with it are undoubtedly more significant in my life than I care to admit. So when I was prompted with the question of what would I like to say?  I knew what it had to be about.

 Before I begin, I need to give credit where credit is due. My parents were amazing lights in the darkness. In all these things I talk about, never did they personify the teachings of the school. Even as a teacher I always knew my dad was on my side. They were encouraging and loving. I always knew I could talk to them about my problems, and I did. They loved me unconditionally and created a loving home that I could escape to after class. I created friends that will be alongside me the rest of my days. For these things I can look back on my adolescence and smile. I wish there was more that I could smile about, but alas far too much has been on my heart about The Oaks.

I am not here to talk about the pros and cons of the quality of our education. I am here to talk about the effects that this education can have on a young developing mind. I have suffered with anxiety and depression my whole life. Mental illness plagued me even as a kid. No one knew what it was, let alone me. I know now looking back at how much I was hurting. For someone like me my mental health was a challenge enough, and I didn’t even know the environment I was being brought up in was fueling that fire in my head. I am speaking of the rigorous, unyielding, unforgiving education we all were brought up in. An education so rooted in elitism and competition that it was blind to the effects it was having upon the students. In the classroom, in sports, even in being a Christian if you weren't the best then you were the worst. There was no flexibility for those who learned differently, nor those who needed to work harder. It was one way or no way. That is the very definition of elitism. All this was acceptable however because we were taught we must adhere to traditions that have been out of date for centuries, and probably for good reason. People realized all problems that can arise because of it. Pushing kids as hard as we were being pushed would be unhealthy to ask of an adult and yet it was being done to 11 year olds. Using subtle humiliation of attention grabbers, and names on the board, and so many other things they were teaching. They were teaching myself and others to be afraid of their bodies, to be afraid of others opinions. They  were teaching kids to fear. It reminds me of a quote from one of my favorite books, Inheritance written by Christopher Paolini. He is not the most prolific writer, but this quote on fear always stuck with me. “When you teach them-teach them not to fear. Fear is good in small amounts, but when it is a constant, pounding companion, it cuts away at who you are and makes it hard to do what you know is right.”

We were taught to be these “free thinkers” and to be able to defend our beliefs...as long as they were what the school taught. Heaven forbid anyone try and defend something that the faculty or worse the principal thought. We were taught that this education we were receiving was the best you could receive. That the students who emerged from there were the best and brightest. I grew up and realized how wrong they were. We weren't these elite scholars and free thinkers. In fact in many ways we were behind everyone else because the education we received was so different from everyone else’s that we had to catch up to the current age. Teaching us things like latin may seem cute and helpful, but it has  only helped me to write some pretty funny jokes.       

               The stress and pressure of The Oaks was insurmountable. The pressure to perform and to always be on was so impossible, but I would be remiss if I didn't mention something far more important, and that is the false sense of authority given to faculty. A sense of authority that has resulted in students being physically abused. I was one of those students. It wasn't a common occurrence, and I am not referring to getting disciplined in the principal's office (Which is a whole different can of worms). I am talking about how a teacher struck me with a metal fencing sword across the back because I was being too noisy. I was hit so hard it left a physical mark, but that faded fairly quick. What didn't fade was the mental and emotional mark that incident made. I was too afraid to say anything to anyone because I knew that I would be told that it was my fault, I shouldn't have been talking or noisy. I was scared and confused. I ask where is the justice in that? How is it fair that I couldn't talk about this horrible thing that happened to me out of fear? I was taught to be more afraid of what people thought about me than the truth. It was something I kept bottled up for a long time, but in the scheme of things it was an isolated incident and after years I am able to move on. I needed it to be brought up now though because if moments like that happened to me maybe it is happening or happened to others as well.  I hope things have changed and that there is no need for that kind of fear among the current students at The Oaks. I really do. It is not an easy thing to carry, and if there are any students past or present out there who feel like something like this is happening to them. Do not think that you are alone. I am here, as are others. Please know that you have a voice. You have a right to be heard, and know that there are people out there who care, and who can help.

               Pressure, stress, and the overwhelming fear of failure drove me through high school. It was more than I could bear at times, and I know that I am not alone. The sleepless nights, and endless days were enough to crack even the strongest. It's sad because it’s almost a badge of honor for The Oaks. They say all those things are tools to make a better person, for some maybe. For others, and I know I am not alone. It created anxiety,depression, and fear. They sadly have plagued me long after my education ceased. I am accepting and have begun to heal, forgive, and move on from the fear. I sincerely hope that you all can as well. I will close with a quote from the book Dune by Frank Herbert. “I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”

-Jordan Fugitt

If anyone ever needs someone to talk to. I will always listen. You are not alone. Don't hesitate to reach out. fugittjordan@gmail.com

For tracking purposes: #009