#006 Ani Petrakova [Class of 2009]

Hi! If we have never met, nice to meet you. If we have and it’s been a while, here is a huge hug, and I would LOVE to hear how you are doing :)

 

I want to tell you about two people who made the biggest impact on my life in college.

 

Matt is six months older than me. He studied aerospace engineering and was one of very few people who didn’t change his major multiple times in college (not that there is anything wrong with that). He had memorized the algorithm for solving the Rubix cube and was known for fiddling with the block and solving it without looking as we discussed philosophy, current events, past events, science, and humor. He and I initially bonded after finding out that we both rejected the partying lifestyle our freshmen year. 

 

Matt graduated from a public school.

 

Teresa is eleven months older than me. She taught me about friendship being one soul dwelling in two bodies. She studied but effortlessly set the curve for every one of her nursing classes, led thoughtful discussions on every topic under the sun in the classroom and out of it, and made fast, deep friendships. We could talk about just about anything for hours and hours, and even if we disagreed, she presented her arguments reasonably with logic free of fallacies, and always in love. She had gotten 5’s on every single one of her AP tests that her school had offered and every university she applied to had begged her to choose them.

 

Teresa graduated from a Catholic school.

 

I bring up the schools that Matt and Teresa went to because I remember being surprised that schools that were neither classical nor Christian (at least not Protestant Christian) could produce such well-rounded, intelligent, and loving people. Wasn’t The Oaks a superior school that had the best system for teaching people how to think, and didn’t singularly prepare students to battle against the forces of the day? Well, considering the number of mental breakdowns I had in college due to anxiety from study skills acquired at The Oaks, and my not entirely undeserved reputation as an argumentative closed-minded weirdo… “singular” may be a word for The Oaks’ preparation, but I do not think it is a complimentary one.

 

By the way, I mentioned mental breakdowns. During those mental breakdowns, it was not people from church or Bible studies that sat with me and coached me through them. My church from home stayed in touch for a while, and maybe they prayed with me from afar, that’s their business, but there were not many people in the trenches with me. Who was in the trenches with me, though?

 

Matt was with me. Teresa was with me. 

 

Here I would like to mention one other thing that these beautiful people taught me about. Even though I could be a belligerent, argumentative, closed-minded weirdo, Matt and Teresa were with me through painful loneliness, even that which I created myself. Furthermore, they each told me that the day they came out to me was, for each of them, the most powerful coming out story they had ever had. What grace and courage they had, setting themselves up for rejection and judgment by revealing to me that they were gay. And what a legacy The Oaks had left on a student, teaching that arguing correctly and looking at anyone who thinks or lives differently as the enemy, such that you end up alienating those around you. They will know we are Christians by our... ability to reason and the schools we graduated from? Wait, no, that's not right.... it's an L-word I'm looking for...

 

In my last year of college, I met the man who became my husband. He is not American, and while he was raised in a Christian family, he also did not go to a classical Christian school. My relationship with him was the one where I really began to wake up to how The Oaks had played a role in how I saw myself so badly. We were discussing modesty and the culture of school dances in his culture vs. mine, and I described the annual lecture on how to behave at the ball.

 

Separating boys and girls (because adolescents can’t be expected to conduct themselves with decorum around the opposite sex? Are we special students here at The Oaks or aren’t we?), a female staff member patronizingly explained to us girls that from our bra-line to our chin was very beautiful to a man. Then from our hips to our bra-line was also very beautiful to a man. Oh and also our legs, our legs are very beautiful to a man. Men’s brains are fundamentally different from women’s brains, and they cannot control their urges and desires. And if a man so much as looked at us, he could immediately fall into temptation and then be a ruined heap of sin. 

 

So… I am a collection of body parts that stir up some sort of reaction in a boy and therefore ruin him. 

 

--An aside: I have a master’s degree in the sciences and education and I am compelled to tell you that statements about fundamental differences in male and female brains are WHAT COMES OUT THE BACK END OF A BULL and not founded in science AT ALL--

 

When I relayed this to my Christian boyfriend (now husband), who had been raised by a Christian father, and he was shocked. “That is so offensive!” he responded. “I’m not an animal, why would they treat me like that?”

 

He told me he loved me for my mind, because I talked about real things. Because I had the most beautiful heart he had ever met. Because I was talented and accomplished, and that he was honored I had chosen to be with him. He admired me. And he told me he thought I was the most beautiful girl in the universe.

 

Believing he meant it took me longer than I care to admit.

 

I wrote this letter to introduce you to three hugely important people who I met outside of The Oaks who showed me how warped and sheltered my thinking had become by going to that school. I learned a lot that was wonderful there, and the system of learning how to learn is good. The Oaks is not a bad school. But here are lessons I had to unlearn upon leaving:

 

Oaksters, your education does not make you special. You do not have a corner on the market on good education because you go to this school. You are groomed into thinking you can be elitists because your school is so different from those around you. But imagine, if you will, an axe whose head is made out of wood. Just because you are unique doesn’t mean you are useful.

 

Oaksters, you are valuable because of who you are. It doesn’t matter what you can do, where you live, what your family is like (families are all effed up anyway, it’s science), what you have done, how you see yourself, who you love. You are valuable. Period. Always and forever, amen.

 

The culture of elitism, in any society on any basis, comes from those in power saying what is better, giving preferential treatment to those who adhere more to this arbitrary standard of superiority, and laying seeds of patronizing mistrust towards those who don’t measure up. It does not come from the Bible or Christian tradition, it is entirely a HUMAN construct. Question it. Challenge it. They won’t like it, but screw them.

 

Your literature, social studies, and history education at The Oaks is SO LIMITED IT IS LAUGHABLY SAD. Learn about the Harlem Renaissance, learn about how the countries of Latin America, South Asia, and Africa threw off their colonial oppressors. And in your own country! Learn about the history of minorities. There is more to the Civil Rights movement than just the events in history books. Read the peoples’ stories, listen to their music and learn more about it. Learn other languages, and learn about other cultures. The world is so full of people, and they will enrich your life if you open your heart to them. But you have to do it yourself.

 

Intestine, fingernail, hair, vulva, back, kneecap, penis, forearm, radius, frenulum, vagina, tongue, nose, eyelash. All words for parts of the body. Nothing dirty or gross about any of them, or about wanting to learn more about how any of them work. 

 

Stay humble. Assume that everyone you encounter has something to teach you, if nothing else, how not to be.

It is ok to believe science, and to trust people who have studied certain subjects more than you have. It is even better to do your own fact-checking of things that people say, ESPECIALLY if what they say sounds extreme or causes a reaction.

Treat others as valuable beings, as more important than you are. Unless they are terrible people. Then write them out of your life. Life is too short to keep toxic people around.

 

There is enough falseness and evil in this world. Be kind, and be honest. Let that define your integrity.

 

If someone is a jerk, tell them they are a jerk to their face. If someone doesn’t respect your “no,” you have my blessing to kick them in the balls.

 

Do no harm, but take no bullshit.

 

Paz, mír, peace,

 

Ani

 

Ani Petrakova, MPH

Saint Louis University Class of 2014

For tracking purposes: #006