#012 Scott Parmely [Class of 2008]

 Hi Friends!

I’ll try and keep this short as it is not really my voice that needs to be amplified at this time, but I do have some thoughts I’d love share.

Some context: The Oaks was easy for me. Valedictorian. In a well respected founding family. Quick learner.  Successful enough by all Oaks’ standards. Plenty of friends. Well liked by the teachers and staff. Just enough of a trouble maker to where I wasn’t that annoying teacher's pet.

I had a damn good time at The Oaks. Even over a decade later I genuinely want to go back and relive my junior and senior years (yes - my life peaked early).  I am thankful for the experience that I had and am the better for it. For me, The Oaks was more than a good school. It was an amazing family that gave me the character and foundation to be successful in the world today.   I believe it can still be that for others today.

When you are on the outside long enough you get the benefit of looking in with new perspective. The Oaks has some flaws. It has quite a few actually. Some of them are unhelpful practices stemming from honorable convictions and traditions. Others are pretty messed up and flat out wrong. These flaws affect people. I too spend a good bit of time and money at therapy working through my childhood (it’s worth it...you should too). It’s not all The Oaks’ fault. Growing up is hard and bigger than The Oaks, but it’s certainly part of it. 

Put this in the context though. I luckily matched the profile of an ideal Oaks student. I also had an incredible community around me to support me. Practices at The Oaks that accelerated my success limited that of others. Flaws in the Oaks that were relatively inconsequential for me were unimaginable challenges for others. I feel for my brothers and sisters who didn’t match that profile and have it so easy - many of whom have shared their experiences here. These stories must be heard and their experiences known. Read and re-read these letters. See the people behind them. Reach out and talk to the other alumni. There are many other experiences not in these letters.

Multiple things can be true. The Oaks can be a source of joy and a source of pain. It can be redemptive and it can be harmful. It can be the best school in town for one person and the worst for another. It can be right in so many areas and wrong in so many others. It can be a school doing amazing work and a school that needs to do so much better.

I’m not here to highlight the good, bad and ugly of The Oaks and how I think they can do better. Happy to share those thoughts another time. Trust me, I have them. But here’s what I’d say to the readers of this blog.

To the students - A good education is a gift. You are receiving a great one, but the secret is out, it’s not perfect. Actually it’s far from it. It turns out there are other reasonable ways to view the world. There will be gaps. There will be some things that need to be unlearned and relearned. There are things that should be challenged. You don’t need to wait until graduation to start this process. But take every opportunity to maximize what you can get out of your time at The Oaks. It’s a good place. There are treasures to be found there.

If you are lucky like me and get the privilege of being “successful” by The Oaks standards, look beyond your grades and think critically about how The Oaks is affecting all of you and the people around you. Both the good and the bad. Speak to your classmates and advocate for them. Get outside the bubble and get some perspective. 

If you are struggling, and I don’t really mean with grades, but struggling with who you are at The Oaks, I hope you learn from these letters that you are not alone. Speak up. Ask questions. Get help. There are people, both inside and outside of The Oaks bubble, that are here for you. We are listening and want to know you.

 To the faculty and administration - I’m thankful for you. You all sacrifice so much and have a very difficult job. Even if not perfect, you are doing such good work for this world.  I hope you will be able to read these letters, listen to the stories, see the people behind them, and discern what should be changed and what should be reinforced. Ben, Matt, Lucy, and others - the positive influence you had on my life is immeasurable.

To my beloved fellow alumni - I am thankful for your voices. I am thankful that you can share now what was impossible to share in the past.  My heart breaks for those who were and are hurting and for the role The Oaks played in that. I see it now. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better advocate and more compassionate friend then. I hope I can be now.  We have all been on wild journeys since our crazy shared experience.  Some journeys have been easy and some have been terribly difficult. Some have gone through some pretty dark places to arrive at something better and new and different on the other side. And some have arrived back to where we started - classical christian education, even at The Oaks. No matter what your journey has been, it is real and valid.  My hope and prayer is that we are able to continue to hold on to what’s good in people and fight alongside each other, all of us, for what is good and beautiful in the world. I miss you all dearly.

Love you all -

Scott Parmely ‘08 

scott.parmely@gmail.com