#003 Natasha Cheeley [Class of 2009]

 

Being a female at The Oaks is incredibly challenging.

 

Here is a letter to Moms and Daughters, from a [recovering] feminist.

 

To the Oaks Moms:

First, the school can't run without you, so if you want to change something, change it.

I watched in awe as Oaks Moms picked up all types of jobs at the school from coach, to teacher, to Program [Auction] Manager, to Trip Coordinator, to Theater Director - just on repeat, when there was a need, there was a Mom.

 

But there were some moms who did not get heavily involved, and now, as my friends start having kids, I realized many of those moms suffered from or struggled with Mom-guilt. Whether it was because of a job, or a medical reason, or total apathy, The Oaks runs on Mom-Blood, and I want to say thank you, because MANY times, I talked a mom into hosting a party or letting me borrow something, and I could be ruthless at times.

 

To being ruthless.

 

For context, I graduated in '09 in a class of 15 females, and 2 males. I attended Biola University in Los Angeles, attended the honors program, graduated cum laude, established a career in tech, and recently transitioned from a job at T-Mobile Headquarters to a similar role at Nike Headquarters. I have competed two full Ironman triathlons, and 4.5 years ago, my older brother unexpectedly died. All these are critical parts of my journey.

 

Back in high school, I asked a lot of questions, defied a lot of rules, and spent a lot of time crying in the bathroom. I had two versions of me going at all times: this daring, opinionated, confident, ruthless version, and the other that was scared of disappointing anyone and sobbed in the locker room through the entire talent show audition because of a trip to the principal's office. I doubt this comes as a surprise, that many of us put on a brave face while crying into pillows with no one around. 

 

I now can realize, I was a closet feminist trapped in a patriarchy telling me to warm my soul over the inviting flames of Proverbs 31 until I melted into a godly woman. But try as I might, I couldn't figure out how to weave my daring, risk-taking, challenging the status-quo, dream chasing self and at the very least get her to appear to submit to authority.

I am pretty sure that is what they wanted: Smart females who knew the difference between defiance and submission, and who chose submission.

 

But my mom was very OK with me challenging the status quo. She had a history with being kicked out of male-dominated board  meetings, and knew what it meant to be a natural leader as a female. To her credit, she helped me navigate the countless times I disagreed with a rule about wearing nylons, an assignment that seemed pointless, and when it came down to whether my ball dress was appropriate or not, she never shamed me. However, I can tell you many stories about when my male teachers thought they knew what it was like to be a female. Explained what women want in a rhetoric class, taught us the psychological differences between the genders in an elementary school classroom: men want respect, and women {just} want love. Many times, I received comments about being seductive, conversations about my rebellious heart, or was offered a second chance to prove I could submit rather than show defiance. Bible class was often crowded with female figures who were pathetic, weak, a prostitute, or a ready and willing vessel - and the goal was to be like the elusive Proverbs 31: Woman of Wisdom. Through all of it, I didn't advocate for myself, and the culture of victim blaming was too deeply embedded that even if I had advocated, I don't know that I would have made much of a dent.

 

To all my female comrades both past and present: feminism is the belief that we are equal, that everyone deserves respect, and women are leaders. Moms at the Oaks, whether they like it or not, are some of the most amazing examples of Christian Feminists -- a fun little phrase that I believe many folks want to believe is an oxymoron. But if there was ANYTHING I could do differently, I wish wrote my thesis on Christian Feminism, and made every teacher there wildly uncomfortable. These days, I make up for my scared past self by building respect and equality into the fabric of my friendships, my "romantic" life, and my professional relationships.  I take every chance to correct the thinking that smart, ambitious females are just "loud, bossy, shrill, or desperate." If a current female student ever reads this, and has the instinct that the boys and girls in her class are being treated unequally, say something. Say it to your friends, say it to parents, say it to other classmates, say it out loud until it changes. Be an advocate, and make your future self proud.

 Cheers, 

Natasha Cheeley